Thanksgiving

 The working crew...bringing all the food together.

 The social crew...

 The kid patrol...

 Everyone together to pray over our feast!

 Toby and Andrew praying together...so thankful I always have my camera to catch moments like these.

 FUN!

 Always time for a little story.

 The adult table...

 The KID table!!!

Football afterwards.

So thankful for a fun gathering of foreigners. 

Pomegranates

 This year we were able to harvest one pomegranate from our tree. Pretty good...considering we were gone all summer.

 a small harvest...

 The view from our yard that we pray over every day...a much bigger harvest expected!

I am selfish

I first learned I was selfish in college when I thought it would be nice to re-organize my roommate’s desk. Apparently, she didn’t find it quite as “nice”. 

When I got married in 2000, it again became apparent that I am selfish as we worked through all our different roles.

In 2003, Annie was born. I was in way over my head!  Through the tears of sleepless nights, mine and hers, I saw my selfishness. It was ugly. 

In the trenches of young motherhood, many battles to conquer my selfishness were fought. Those battles are still being waged daily. It’s a constant balancing act of figuring out my “rights” and what is just plain selfish.

We made it to Iraq in 2009.  I began a new process of wallowing through my selfishness with team and the rub that comes through living life closely. It’s a painful process that has honed me and brought me life-long friendships.

I came here to bring the Kingdom to the Kurds.  I am discovering it’s been more about me discovering God’s grace and shaving off little pieces of my selfishness. Even the Kurds are helping me with that. I am learning that my “rights” are all turned upside down here because of cultural differences.

 One neighbor in particular, Nazila, has brought this out in me. I have walked with her through birth and death.  I have yelled at her. I have held her.

 Recently she asked me if she could wash her couches in my yard. I have let her wash her rugs and do all sorts of things that seem "weird" to my culture. They feel invasive. For whatever reason, my selfishness won in that moment and I told her, “NO.” I said it politely, but what I didn’t realize is that I had just crossed an invisible line. Directly saying “NO” was offensive.  I realized my mistake a few minutes later when she completely shut herself off to me. 

It was my “right” to say no, wasn’t it? Why can’t I just say, “NO” ? It’s better than lying or making up some lame excuse. I have to have boundaries. I felt terrible for the rift in our friendship. I couldn’t make her understand that our cultures were different. All she heard was “I don’t love you.”  I didn’t have to let her wash her couches in my yard, but I did have to let her know that I was wrong for saying, “I don’t love you,” even though that is not what I meant.

I went to her the next day. Together we sat on her rug and I looked into her eyes and I told her, “I am sorry I hurt you. Forgive me for saying, ‘NO’ like that.” At first she put on her trained, hard exterior so that no one can get in and really hurt her. She claimed it was no big deal and it didn’t bother her. Culturally, I shouldn’t have said no. But culturally, you don’t apologize for an offense either. Culturally, you don’t say, “I have hurt you.” But this time I had to push in and break these cultural rules. Finally, I broke through. We embraced and the tears of forgiveness flowed between us. 

It was a holy moment.

She doesn’t know Jesus yet.  Neither does her daughter, Zilan. She is still hard and selfish, but I am praying circles around her and I know the power of selfless love. I am on the road to greater healing too, these battles can only be fought in hand-to-hand combat. It’s the hardest thing to rub up against someone else’s selfishness with your own, but what it produces, if you are willing to not run away, is a miracle. I am not running away from myself, my family, my team, my friends, my neighbors or the Kurds. I am waiting for the miracle!

Travel Team!

 So thankful to have had Clint and Mark and Vicki come visit us this past week! We had such a great visit. They brought goodies from home and lots of good advice, prayer and insight. We are better for it and blessed to be so surrounded. Sadly, we did not get a picture of us girls....

 The kids' favorite part was having a ball pelted at them. Whenever we weren't meeting, which wasn't very often, the team always took time to love on our kids by chasing them down and throwing soft balls as hard as they could at them. They loved every second.

 Ranz, the neighbor boy, was peering in hoping for some extra "love" too.

 We also got to go to the infamous Kosar Resort! Kind of creepy...I know.

 Larger than life statues of random animals to perch on.

 Bumper cars!!!

 And for the big boys....Go-Karts! They were like little children racing around the track!

 Pure joy to get out a little extra aggression!

 I know...blurry...but fast and furious!

 I so wish this picture had turned out better, but you can see they all feel like they just got out of a fighter jet and saved the world! BOYS!

 Always time for a photo op with the locals.

 And this terrifying swing ride! That's Annie dangling over the edge of a mountain!

my boys....seriously...what was I thinking letting them go on this. Everyone got off, a little sick, a little shaky and wondering how they didn't die.

 We finished off our time with root beer floats!

 So thankful for super heroes like these guys! They are changing the world together! 

Birthday

 This is the cake I got suckered into making. This is my love offering. Tim says I just can't say no. At any rate, I made it because I love them. The day before I was going to have 3 guests from America arrive, my neighbor invited me over for lunch. At first I said no, but she insisted, so I came. I am always up for a free meal. After we get through lunch, she dropped the bomb on me. She said, "I want you to make the cake for Ramin's 1st birthday." I politely explained how busy I was. Then she really laid it on thick and said, "Oh, I just made so much food just for you and I have so many guests coming tomorrow. You have to make the cake." I was a little shocked at first, that I had been completely fooled. She didn't invite me over because she loves me, or because she wanted to spend time with me. She didn't invite me over just because. She invited me over so she could corner me into doing what she wanted. I was sad. A little mad, but mostly sad. She doesn't know any better. She doesn't know that we could have a true, trusting friendship. She doesn't know that she can just ask and plan ahead with me and I would do it purely out of friendship. She thought she had to force me into it. My eyes are wide open to the walls on the hearts around me lately. They will not let me in. They do not know how to trust. They do not know how to love. They only know how to feel shame and to cover it up with what looks like friendliness. 

 I made the cake and I went to the party. Watch out Pinterest....these folks could put your great ideas out of business.

 Party guests!

 The birthday boy looks a little terrified. He hasn't learned to cover it up yet.

 Party games.

 The cake was appreciated. It was accepted and eaten up entirely. If only I could get into their hearts this easily. 

It was mass chaos, loud and mostly insane. It drowns out the still, small voice. It keeps them from really having to deal with the question, "Am I loved?" We all do it. We all put up walls and hide from that question. I have. For years, I even tried to sabotage my relationship with Tim and force him to say, "you're right...you're unloveable." Until I started finally trusting God with my whole heart and letting him make it whole. I am not into their hearts yet, but I know that I will be. I know my own testimony will help unlock the pain and shame and then they will have to choose the Truth to heal them or walk away and put up more walls. I am waiting...