Lessons Learned in Iraq: Learning to SEE

 Most people wouldn't want to live in Iraq right now. 

I am not even sure I want to some days. 

The news reports would certainly make you want to flee for your life from such a crazy, bomb-infested land. 

A few years ago I started praying, "Lord, help me to have eyes to see." It was an earnest prayer in an attempt to understand the Father heart and to see others and the world around me the way he sees them. I wanted to see the beauty around me and call it forth. I wanted to put Romans 4 into action and "to call things that are not as though they were." I had seen in my own life beauty called forth. I don't even remember the insecure, scared, bitter girl I used to be. Through God's tender ministrations through others and my own small attempts, God has been gently and ever-so patiently calling me forth. He has been diligently re-shaping me and resolutely peeling back the scales on my eyes. 

You may see the turmoil in Iraq and think "RUN AWAY", but I see potential. I want to run away sometimes too, but I see an epic story being written and I desperately want to be a part of it!

You may see the fanatics, but I see my friends. I see their stories, their hurts, their fears and their hopes.

You may see the desolate landscape, but I see the underground springs, waiting to burst forth.

These light poles are a beautiful example of the subtle changes trying to etch themselves across this land. The color and beauty trying to be born.

 What a contrast these two make: the darkness and horror of poverty, next to the hope and joy of color. They don't see it, but I do. They don't even notice that hope is springing up. How can they? I don't know their story, but it could be one of the millions of refugee stories. People that are not worried about the color of things, only that they need to feed the constant hunger and thirst. Their story could be one of something even worse as people are exploiting so many of these children for their evil purposes. I don't know. What I do know is that Light and Color are being woven into their lives. They must choose to see it. They must make it their own. 

This has been one of the hardest summers living here. It wasn't any hotter than usual. It was as dusty as ever. For me, physically, not much has changed.  However, my life is constantly shifting inwardly. I am grateful for my home, my family, my friends. Meanwhile, all around me chaos is erupting and I am powerless to make it stop. Our initial reaction is to plug our ears and cover our eyes from the horror around us. I have forced myself to look at images of homeless Yezidis and raging ISIS. I have to SEE. Do I want it to stop? Absolutely. Do I want people to continue to suffer with no place to live, nothing to eat or drink? Absolutely not.

There is an unseen realm though. I am forcing myself to look through the natural seen to what is unseen. I can only barely see it. It's not clear. It's seeing through a glass darkly. I see that "on this mountain the Lord Almighty will prepare a feast of rich food for all peoples, a banquet of aged wine--the best of meats and the finest of wines. On this mountain he will destroy the shroud that enfolds all peoples, the sheet that covers all nations; he will swallow up death forever." (Is. 25:6-8)

The shroud isn't destroyed yet. It's dark still. It's stifling. The veil is dark and a lot of times I can only see the veil. I can only see the pattern printed on the fabric and I accept it as the truth. 

Sometimes, our help to people here can just be more of a veil with the print of American dollars on it. It helps. No doubt. But it's only helping an immediate need. Here's where it gets so complicated. They must have food and someone must pay for it, but when it puts yet another veil over their eyes, how is that helping? I see people suffocating to death by the veils imposed on them and yet the world sees "starving people" and so we throw food and money at them. Yes, it's true they are starving! They need food, but the reason they are starving is because they can't BREATHE!!! Who will remove the veil? I have been undone as I have sat so close to the suffering and been unable to help them BREATHE. I struggle with giving them food, knowing that I hold the life-giving oxygen they so desperately need, but they refuse that and grab instead for my wallet to buy food. I am so torn. Of course I want to feed them. Of course I want to give what I can to take away the horrors of the images of desperate and destitute people. (Disclaimer: I think it is right and good to keep giving to physical needs as we feel led.)

I have veils too. It has been such a heart-rending summer to be changed and molded by all that is going on here. It's their story, but somehow it's my story too.  God wants to remove their veils, but somehow it is also about me and his never-ceasing, always pursuing love for me and desire for me to SEE. In some ways, it's easier to see past other's veils. My own can remain, but seeing through others is easier. I can see a land crying out for Truth. I can see the beauty that will be. I can see the springs of water that will spring up here. I can see the Freedom that is coming. I can see the Wind is going to blow through this land and bring Rain. When I exercise my eyes, I can start to truly see. Like Toby, I have to patch my "good" eye, so I can train my weaker eye to truly see. 

What I didn't realize when I prayed the prayer to SEE was that it wouldn't be only beauty. Along with the gift of sight is ability to see Beauty and Death. Both are real in this world right now. I can also see this land is in bondage to Death. It's not just what you see on the news, it's something much more insidious. It's something that can be debilitating. It's something that lurks and hides and disguises himself so that you can never feel like you really see. First, it looks like fear, then depression, then anger, then discouragement, then sickness. The list goes on. It leaves you exhausted and ready to quit. 

Death has ruled supreme here for centuries. He has been untouchable. The few he has lost have been inconsequential. He has sat on his kingdom in complete control without having to do anything. On the outside he has seemed all powerful and indestructible. But the evil he has birthed is even getting beyond his own control. The eyes of the world are upon him now and he is squirming. It's uncomfortable to be really seen. So he has begun to move around to try to keep people in his control. This has caused his true scent to be released. It's disgusting. He is rotting from the inside out. It's a stench that clings and sickens. As horrible as this stench is. It's effecting so many people and hurting them, but the world is seeing a little bit and some of the people here are starting to smell it for the first time. They are refusing to just accept it. As horrible as his stench is, it means there's a chance! It means he is moving which gives people the chance to finally escape!

 Yet, the amazing and baffling thing to me is that LIFE GOES ON. It must. While a few kilometers away from this peaceful scene, all hell is breaking loose, we continue on. It has been so confusing this summer to not know how to act and so we just keep going. It's what we have to do. 

It's what Noah did. Chaos was breaking out all around him, but he just OBEYED. He built an ark because of what he "saw" ahead, what was revealed to him. What a painfully slow process that was. The tools were so crude, the workers were few, the plans were SO huge. How overwhelming! Yet, he obeyed. One day at a time. Building an ark did NOT look like the right thing to do at the time. It seemed foolish. It seemed like a waste. The thing to do would have been to go out and fix people right? 

We don't just want people's needs to be met. We want this to be their REAL chance to escape! We want the ark to be for everyone here! 

"Every act of obedience unlocks a door of power to the Believer." ~Jimmy Seibert

I want to be known for my obedience, even if it looks wrong or bad. Although I admit I still desperately want people to like me. I reject that for obedience.

Even as I write this, my vision is so poor. It blips in and out and I wonder if I really am seeing. I wonder which is true. This looks real. Happy children, playing in the street. That is tangible. That is real and yet....

I am not a philosopher. I am not a logical intellect. I am pure, raw emotion. It's not the smartest way to approach the world, so I am not claiming any answers. I am only saying, I am trying to SEE. My signal is weak, but I have faith that it is strengthening daily. 

I choose to SEE.

I choose to OBEY.

"Every bush is aflame with the fire of God, but only those who see take off their shoes. The rest just pick the berries." ~Margaret Browning

Dyslexia is a gift to me

Jesse reads by listening and following along. I am so proud of him for this. Learning to read has been such a hard journey. He is a creative thinker. He is an out-of-the-box kid! He is really funny too. He can't stop moving...EVER! He even walks and talks and screams in his sleep. I wonder at all the complexities going on inside his body and mind. What a miracle! 

I am a teacher and I knew next to nothing about dyslexia. I thought it was a disability. I thought it was something bad. I could not have been more wrong. We are walking tentatively into this new realm as we have discovered that Jesse is dyslexic. We have not had him officially tested because we are not in a place where we are able to do that. However, based on what I have studied, I have diagnosed him as that. At first, I was hesitant to even read about this. I didn't want to "label" him or give him a sentence that would mark him forever. 

However, after a really hard day of lots of tears from both of us and feeling like we couldn't find what worked for him, I decided I had to step out a little. Being dyslexic and knowing what that is has released him and given him more freedom than ever.  I had to get beyond my own comfort zone to help him unlock this mysterious world. The keys I had in my arsenal were not working. They didn't fit in any of his doors. In fact, I couldn't even really find "doors". He was starting to get discouraged and worried that something was wrong with him.

Then we studied dyslexia and discovered what a gift it is. It's NOT a disability! It's NOT a problem or something wrong with him. It's really quite beautiful. He is different. He has a unique way of thinking and seeing the world that makes learning to read in a phonics based way really difficult. It does not impair his ability to learn though. It increases it. We learned that so many business entrepreneurs and famous creative thinkers have all been dyslexic. Having dyslexia was not the problem.

The problem was me. 

I didn't know how to think outside of my box in order to help him. We were hitting a wall and I kept wondering why he wasn't "getting it". He was trying. He wanted desperately to please me and be like Annie and Toby. Reading looked really fun to him. He set the same goal for 2 years in a row "to become a fast reader like Annie and Toby." I thought it was a problem of laziness. He wasn't applying himself. He didn't seem to care. He knew "A" says "aa", so why when it was in a word with a series of other letters couldn't he remember that? Why did he seem to haphazardly guess at each word? I discovered he was a really good guesser too and so it was confusing why he could "read" it sometimes and sometimes he had no clue.  So I kept trying to squeeze him into a box that was made for someone else. 

Jesse was made to fly! A box cannot contain him. This is exhilarating and terrifying to me. On the one hand to have a child who has the potential to FLY is amazing! On the other hand, it means I have to let him go. It means I have to launch him off of high cliffs to allow him to develop those muscles. It means I have to stay on the ground and encourage him to become all he was intended to be. It means releasing him to a whole new world that has dangers and wonders I cannot control.

If I am honest, I saw this in him from birth almost. He began walking at 9 months. He fell down the stairs more times than I want to admit, but came up without a scratch. He has been drawn to different things from a young age. In fact, the "bad guys" always seemed cooler to him, causing me to quake inwardly and pray desperately, "Lord, may Jesse hate what is evil and cling to what is good." I saw an inner struggle within him. I saw HUGE potential in him to be a leader and knew that both good and evil would fight for him. He wasn't super bothered by sin. He wanted to experience life in the front row! To my cautious self, I wanted to hide him. I wanted to shelter him and protect him from all of this. I tried to keep him contained.

It didn't work.

It only hurt him and me.

I plunged into the world of dyslexia and instead of finding chaos, I have found beauty. It's a confusing world to my orderly self, but I now have eyes to see the beauty of it and instead of trying to contain him, I am joining him in this world. I am helping him unlock this new world. Together, we will walk into this place. Together, we will discover how God made his mind to work. Together, we will learn to love his wings and let him jump off of high cliffs. We will even encourage it. There will be some rough landings ahead, but we will be there to pick him up and help him launch again. 

I am still his mom and his teacher, so he has to learn to adjust to me a little too. What I don't want to do is decrease all of his unique abilities to be like mine. We are learning together! My new word: ACCOMMODATE!

To make fit for; or change to suit a new purpose.

I am learning to:

1. slow down

2. repeat things

3. be encouraging

My prayer is "Lord, show me how to think creatively to accommodate all of our different needs and abilities." 

I am so thankful for dyslexia slowing me down. Helping me re-arrange my priorities and causing me to see differently. What a gift it is to me and to our family!

First Day of School

 We are all ready for a new year!

 We started off with some fun worksheets to record the beginning of the year!

 I chose the word LIFE to be our theme for the year! The kids and I are all learning that we can allow the Spirit to control our minds and it will give us LIFE and peace. 

 How great to already know what God's will in our life is: Be joyful always, pray continually and give thanks in all circumstances. Now to apply it this year in our every day lives!

 I am excited for this middle school girl! She is beautiful inside and out. She is looking forward to her writing program this year as she works on a magazine! She is an excellent student and makes home school such a joy and a delight for me!

 I am thankful for this Fact Finder. He remembers every detail of information. I know I can go to him to remind me what we just learned. He is excited to study American History this year.

 Jesse is a creative and hard working student. He is learning to love to learn. He has had to find his own keys to unlock the doors of learning, but I am so proud of him as he keeps pushing ahead!

This is a time lapse video we took of our first day! It's gonna be  a great year!

Secret Keeper Girls Date #3: Love is slow to boil

 Our most recent date involved shopping and watching out for our "mean girl" tendency to creep in! These beautiful girls shopped until they dropped...which didn't take long! We learned some valuable things about ourselves.

It's hard to shop here but they got to experience making choices on their own. They learned that it really is hard to not boil over, but it is a choice that they are beginning to be more in control of. I am so proud of them.

Friends

 So thankful for these friends who drove a long way for a short visit!

We each have a special friend in this family and we are so thankful for their lives touching our lives. 

Tim's 36th Birthday

 He is 36 now! He is not old or young any more really. I mean, look at all that gray hair! He is becoming more and more the man God is calling him out to be. I get a front row seat so I get to watch it and experience it first hand. It's quite thrilling really. He is a man worthy of respect. He is a man of integrity. He is FULL of vision. He is a guardian of the Truth and the Word. He instills identity and truth in our children. 

 These 3 love their Daddy with all their hearts. They follow in his footsteps without any fear or worry. They trust everything he says to them. They lean into him and love spending time near him.

 Fondu to celebrate!

Too bad I couldn't get my camera to focus. I also had sparklers in my hand while trying to take pictures! Whatever. It's still worth posting pics of the fun. 

Happy Birthday to an amazing man that I am not afraid to follow. I respect you. I will not give way to fear but submit myself to God and you and adorn myself with the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit. (Disclaimer: this doesn't mean I won't be my loud, crazy, and silly self; just that my inner place will not be twisted up in fear and clamoring for control. Well that is my prayer anyway and I know God will honor that and shape it in me.)