Perspective! (WARNING: this is a LONG post!)

 Part of going out of town was to get some perspective. It's so easy to get trapped in the thoughts of: "nothing good ever happens here" or "am I really making a difference?" Honestly it's really hard to be here. We love it! We love our friends, we love our home, we love our team, we love our work! But it's like anything...we get worn out. We get bored of doing the same thing. I realized something about us as we walked through this little dip in the road...we love adventure. I have said this before. We love to take drives and hikes and find new places, etc. But I am not talking about those kinds of adventures. I am talking about being addicted to this "new" feeling that once we get "settled" somewhere we start to itch...start to feel restless. Start to feel...normal. We don't like feeling normal. Because normal is harder. Those of you that have lived and worked in the same place and are thriving where you are...that is the HARD work. It's so easy to pull out and go on to the next big adventure. We have done this always. First it was Kentucky, then Georgia and several jobs in there, having babies, moving to Texas and now Iraq. There was always some new, big adventure on the horizon and that kept us going. We have now been here for 2 years. The honeymoon phase is definitely over. So it's either pack up and quit OR it's settle down and get over the itchy, restless phase. It's looking past the annoying things about our neighbors, the constant "interruptions" in our lives, it's figuring out how to help the new ones that believe how to be moms, dads, husbands, wives, servants...and suddenly we realize...wait we got 2 years of training...but we don't have a clue what we are doing! It would be really easy at this point to focus on our lack. It would in fact be easy to justify quitting. But it's not an option. Even in the deepest part of this "dip"...it was like contemplating divorce. We can't just leave because it's hard, they haven't heard yet! This is NOT a burden I can carry myself though! Which is exactly what we were doing...starting to think it was all up to us or else... Last week in the middle of the "dip" I got an email from Laura Seibert that was to all the women in our movement...she said, "where do you go with your thoughts when things get hard?" Well, that was down right convicting. I don't go to the goodness of God. I don't go to the Joy in all circumstances. I already said where I go to...the questions and the doubt. We met with these two amazing sisters that work here. They had been through some dips as well and I asked them, "what do you do to get out?" they said, "we just worship!" well...duh! that sounds simple enough. You can't sing about God being good and great and about his love without having your perspective change. 

So we went to see Nazim and his family. He is a new One. He is so hungry. His belief is so simple too. I mean so simple. It was a complete "pull us out of ourselves" moment as we tried to learn to fit into his shoes and give him the nourishment he needs. Basically it boils down to this...he wants LOVE. Don't we all? He wants the love of Jesus. He knows it's different. But he has no idea what Jesus even did for him. He just believes. It's really hard to explain, but so refreshing. You know I "believed" when I was 4 years old. And little by little I gained more and more understanding. At 10 I realized I needed to pray and read my Bible on my own. At 12 I realized my heart needed to be right, not just my mind. At 16 I realized my lostness. At 18 I learned how to repent. At 30 I got a radical overhaul in understanding his Love for me. And each day I am learning something new. It doesn't matter that I can quote all the right verses and I know all the Sunday School answers. That is not faith. I realized that even though Nazim "knows" nothing, his heart is yearning. His family is naturally following after him. It was a beautiful thing to watch. We had no clue what we were saying. We were hot and struggling through language, uncomfortable sitting on the floor, our boys were going crazy in the next room and yet there it was being slowly worked out in front of us. A man and his wife being healed of their blindness in slow painstaking efforts as layers are peeled off their eyes. We can't do it for them. We can only show tell them how. They have to do it. Then as we watch them try, we might realize...they are doing it wrong, so we have to explain it in another way or try a completely different way. It's the most frustrating thing. Because I think in and of myself I could totally rip it off quickly, but then, the glory would be mine and they would be so frightened by the intensity of the light, that they would hide deeper in the darkness. Our layers are so thick too. Nazim believes but he still gets angry at his co-workers and threatens them. Don't we all?? I realized something else in the dip too. That Tim is not a flotation device. He cannot hold me up in the deeper waters. I knew this 11 years ago when we got married. But I learned this a little bit better last week. It doesn't mean I won't go clinging to him next time the waters get a little murky, but I realized that my desperate grabbing only pushes him deeper. I think I took one step closer to depending on God's goodness and joy a little sooner than later. We learned that life is really messy. Our boys need diversion if we are to talk in depth with Nazim. IPODS are great! Sima, their oldest daughter, was won over by the power of technology too.

One more thing I learned...it was a big lesson...what can I say, but if I don't write it out...it might not stick. So just bear with me. I learned that Tim needs me to be his helper. Shocking isn't it? what a revelation! But I actually don't like to do this job. I like him to help me. I like him to give me things. I don't mind cooking and cleaning for him, but I don't like to "work" with him. It makes us fight usually. So I tried to hide out here for the last two years making myself "busy" with my own work: home school, cooking, cleaning, neighbors, newsletters, blog, etc. These are all really good things to stay busy at. However, I am actually really good at the things he is not good at. Hence, one of the reasons God put us together. But I am really selfish. I don't like to share. I make my kids share, but I would rather use my own gifts to serve my own purposes. One of the reasons Tim was in the "dip" was because I was unwilling to get over the fear of "fighting" with him and help him "work." It doesn't take much time and actually he does all the work. I just have to show up and help him think clearly and brainstorm. Sounds really simple when I write it out like that. But you see, if that is "HIS work"...then if it fails and no one believes...it's not MY fault. okay...that is the first time I have consciously thought that. ouch. I really am selfish. But we had a lot of fun together working side-by-side. We did fight though and we did fail a little too...but overall we did what we were supposed to. 

 Sometimes  you have to try on every shoe until you find the one that fits. This is Nazim's little girl, Helene. She is so shy. So much so that taking one little snapshot sent her into tears. But that is what it feels like right now to us. There is a whole mess of shoes in front of us and we have to try to find the ones that fit. We feel a little frantic...like we need to have the best shoes that won't slip or slide and last a long time. But really they aren't in a hurry. They are just living life. Why am I in a hurry? Do I just hope that this whole thing of living here can get done as fast as possible so I can go on to the next adventure or go back to living near a Target? There is no hurry. period. There are lots of different shoes that we have to wear for different parts of the journey. You might wear some for years and some for only a few days.

 The Word. It's alive and active. what does that really even mean? I don't know. I haven't gone to seminary and I don't plan on ever going. In fact, I would rather not know what it "means." I just like feeling what it means and seeing what it means. It means you are hungry for the next word. It means you hear it and it burns inside of you. I loved watching Nazim get so excited about the next word. I loved watching Tim get all flushed and excited as he tried to unpack the meaning of the words for them. He is such a good teacher.

 Two really imperfect guys. One that has believed for 30  years and one that has believed for only a matter of months. There is no difference though. Nazim put a track in his shirt pocket and said, "this will be my shield." He doesn't know that that's a good Sunday School statement, and that it will get you a gold star. He just knows it feels right and good to be protected by the Truth.

 Perwin. simple hearted. ready to serve. She had one question, "what do I do about the nightmares I have been having?" Again, I am overwhelmed by how real life is all of a sudden in a moment like that. What do I know? Do doctors feel that way? They have had so much training and then the moment of someone's life hanging on your answer. There is only one answer though, Jesus. It's scary though to say that even. Is my faith strong enough? I don't know...I guess that is another blog...another lesson to be learned.

 It was life on life for two days. Kids going crazy and then a few quiet moments to talk...then interruptions again. But there was a spark started. It was so beautiful to watch. It was seeing the first blossoms on a seed that was planted, not even by us. It was knowing that the history of these girls is being re-written. They will not grow up neglected and abused. They will grow up knowing they are strong and beautiful women. They will flourish in the Light.

Helene will no longer turn away in shame and fear. She will boldly claim her inheritance and become the Princess that He has always wanted her to be.

So our perspective is looking fresher. We aren't out of the "dip" completely yet. We are just re-committed to looking for the goodness and joy. We found it this week by seeing His goodness in Nazim and his family. But it will be a daily dose that we must get. It's the long road for sure and we value your words of wisdom as we learn to be settled in his JOY.